It was now April 2011 and Miss Malena Lola was doing wonderful.
She now weighed 17.6 lbs (8 kilos) and she was crawling everywhere.
She didn’t care that she had a tube attached to her throat.
She was completely used to having a trach and to having a tube attached to her, so she didn’t spend any time complaining or getting frustrated over it. She didn’t focus on it.
That was a great example to me of living in the now, living in the present, fully. Children have that natural ability to do that.
Being in the moment allowed me to avoid anxiety and fear.
And the present was filled with celebration. We were getting ready to celebrate baby girl’s 1st birthday on April 25th.
It was such an exciting time. My baby girl was turning one!
I was so excited to have a little birthday party for her. We had so much to celebrate!
It would only be a small family gathering as we didn’t want to expose baby girl to too many people, and no kids or babies were allowed. But it would still be a very special celebration.
She even got birthday flowers delivered on her birthday! She was fascinated with them.
And baby girl loved every minute with grandma Marina.
I was really enjoying being able take baby girl out more often as the Spring weather got warmer and the snow was finally gone.
She was also making more and more little squeaky sounds through her trach. It was hard for her to get that air past her trach and through her vocal cords, it required a lot of lung strength as her upper airway was quite narrowed by scar tissue due to her long intubation period after birth.
But she always kept on pushing that air up and making whatever sound she could. It was very cute and endearing.
This year her airway would have time to heal and grow. Hopefully it would grow out of that narrowing and not require further surgery to fix it. Also, her vocal cords were still inflamed and affected by the prolonged intubation as well. They would also need time to heal before they would be able to work properly.
For now I would not be able to hear my baby girl cry or laugh. I would have to wait and be patient.
It was hard at times to watch her try so hard to make a sound and not be able to, but I also noticed that she didn’t get upset by it. She kept trying and kept playing, but she didn’t let it frustrate her.
I decided to have that same attitude and not let it upset me. I accepted that my baby girl would be able to make more sounds and start vocalizing when it was her time.
I trusted that when the time was right her voice would finally emerge.
In the meantime, I realized I could still hear her even if it wasn’t through her voice.
I could hear her mighty soul.
I could feel all her emotions.
She loved it when I started teaching her sign language. She thought it was fun and laughed a lot whenever I made the signs.
We started with a few basic ones like eat, more, milk, sleep, all done, puppy, mommy and daddy.
It felt great to be able to teach her sign language. I felt it was empowering for her to be able to communicate despite her trach.
It was also very good for me because I was able to focus on a positive way to give my baby girl “a voice” regardless of her vocal cords and the trach.
Instead of thinking about what she couldn’t do, I was connecting with what she could do.
This was very positive and healing for me.
Besides, I knew deep inside my heart that one day soon enough I would be able to hear the sound of my baby girl’s beautiful voice. I had complete faith and certainty in that.
And no matter what, at that very moment, as I looked at my baby girl, I was able hear her spirit.
And I knew then that no matter what, I would always be able to hear the sound of her beautiful soul.
Happy 1st birthday to our mighty Malena Lola!